meridian_rose

I'm not pariticpating in the current round of therealljidol for various reasons (you can sign up until Wednesday if you'd like to). But I will probably read and vote. There's also scope to write non-voting entries for the prompts. This week's is "I need the struggle to feel alive". And I could not disagree more.

I take pleasure in completion of projects, and overcoming some obstacles. Think of an online game; you can complete tasks, save points, buy upgrades. Or you can pay for the upgrades. Which is more satisfying? The one where you put the work in. But constant struggling is not fun, not satisfying, not rewarding. Working witout achieving success is soul destroying.

Which brings me to apathy.

The opposite of love is not hate, it's indifference - Elie Wiesel

the worst thing you can do to an author is to be silent as to his works - Samuel Johnson

My NaNo failures continue. I skipped a day yesterday, out for a Christmas Shopping & Meal Out with my sister and a movie on the night with family. I don't regret it but it means my wordcount deficit is now staggering, 10.5k, and if I write nothing today 12k.

I've posted a ficlet and a fic during NaNo, hoping feedback would help inspire me to do more. But no matter how many posts I make, or how much fic I post, or fic promo posts I post, I'm not getting comments on fic, barely any reblogs of tumblr posts. Same for journal entries I make, and comments I leave on entries and on fic; barely any response. I've made an effort to make more posts this month. I've made an effort to leave more comments on fic this month and got responses to less than half.

Apathy cannot kill my creative urge entirely but it can sap it enough that I see no reason to finish anything* or share it publicly, and jfc it's laughable to think about original work when fanfic (even about a popular ship) can't muster up enthusiasm from a built-in audience.**
I'm just feeling down for a few reasons right now, this is just one of them but it's a big one. Writing has always felt like who I am and if that's pointless, it's all pointless.***

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* 2 x 10k fics one in each of those same two fandoms, why bother? Because I made a commitment is all I've got right now.

** cue "oh you should only write for yourself and not care at all about audience"; if I write for myself and myself alone why post? I've got unposted fanfic novellas that are for me. If I'm posting it's because I'm sharing.
If I write you a personal email I'm talking to you, if I make a filtered post I'm talking to a select group of people, if I make a public post I'm saying "I exist, I am here, I have thoughts, I have made this thing, please listen and respond in kind."

*** cue "you should have more REAL interests"; you think real life friends haven't dropped me once they get spouses/kids, you think I should get a partner when society keeps making it clear that asexuals don't deserve relationships because sex is the be-all-and-end-all of partnerships. Or maybe you think my clerking job (which I do enjoy and get some satisfaction from) is a replacement for the desire to create and be heard? I'm tired of being told I should get more "real work"/be an editor/take up *insert non-creative activity here*; I'm looking to succeed in what I love, not do what anyone else thinks I should be doing.

Something different today. I like to sometimes try different poetic styles for a challenge or prompt or just because. I've written sonnets, limericks, and a variety of other experimental forms.

One thing I wanted to make was this:


( Read more... )

I'm waiting for my dark bingo card and I'm working hard on my novella – more on that soon, hopefully.

I'm waiting on Yuletide sign ups – the rules are slightly different this year in terms of how many fandom must be offered and requested so I'm going to wait and see the final taglist before I make a decision as to whether I'm signing up this year.

Other bingo:
kink bingo, claim line by end of month, done 2 fills, working on three more.
trope bingo; claimed one line and got a second card, may try for a bingo by end of month or post any fills during amnesty
bloody bingo; one bingo claimed, open until end of November if I want to do more
h/c bingo, due January next year, three fills done, need two more to claim
orig fic bingo, no time limit, one fill done

Other

Working on the Current Project Writing Memes

I've got a few more fics planned for my fantasy AU "Everything's Better with Dragons" – I try to match them with bingo fills!

I really want, once I'm more up to date with some of these bingo cards and other challenges, to write some original fics about sex/sexuality because I'm frustrated with the "sex is what makes a relationship" bollocks that keeps rearing its ugly head all over the damn place. That's not how it works in my opinion, and thus not how it works in my worlds, and I think some fics exploring why and how things do work for different characters wouldn't go amiss.

Also I'm becoming aware of how much I'm posting, original ficwise. I might have to watch the wordcount in future, or lock more pieces so they're not public. But something I also would like to try is AU fics in my own verses – I already did the genderswap prompt, for example. Fanfic allows you to explore things you wouldn't necessarily want to see in canon (eg character death) or can't easily manage in canon (fantasy or high school au, except where a character is dreaming or something) but you want to try out anyway. I see no reason it can't work the same for original fic. Except mostly dark AU scenarios because that's how I roll.