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meridian_roseTitle: A Word Unsaid, a Kiss Bestowed, a Tear Shed
Fandom: Da Vinci's Demons
Pairing/Characters: Leo/Riario, Leo & Zo (it's complicated), past Leo/Zo, past Riario/Zita, Vanessa/Giuliano, Andrea, others are mentioned
Rating: PG-13
Word Count: 5584
Prompt: For the dark bingo prompt "time travel gone wrong"
Summary: Who are we but our memories? What is a relationship except a series of shared experiences? When Leo steps into the river of time and changes its course, he finds himself into a world that is close to perfection, save for one thing; this cannot truly be his life when he did not live the experiences which made it…
Content Notes: No standard warnings apply. Zita lives. Amelia lives. Giuliano lives. Andrea lives. Mostly a fixit. But Leo's never satisfied. Time travel. Unintended consequences. Memory loss.
Also @ AO3
This was the moment Leo embraced his power. The blood on his hands triggering something deep inside him. The grief a torrent that he could only escape by stepping into the river of time.
Time is a river.
And if you know how, you can swim against the current.
And if you have the skill, you can change the water's course.
Leo didn't care how much of a bad idea this was.
It was surprisingly simple to accomplish the adjustment of history.
A word unsaid, a kiss bestowed, a tear shed. A moment's more hesitation here and a second less hesitation there. Tiny actions that disturbed the water, sent ripples across the world.
Leo stepped back out of the river and into a world that was changed.
"There you are." Vanessa took his arm, pulling him inside a house he didn't recognise. Not a ramshackle studio nor a palace but something nice, as a minor noble might possess. "We thought you had got lost."
Leo let her lead him to a chair where he took the indicated seat between Riario and Zo. For some reason Zo had tiny red ribbons wound into his hair, and, to Leo's astonishment, Riario's shoulder length hair was braided, with the same silky material woven throughout.
Across from Leo, Giuliano beamed, a glass in one had. At the head of the table sat Andrea.
Vanessa sat down next to Giuliano. With his free hand he took one of her hands and pressed a kiss to her knuckles. She smiled and then, catching sight of Leo, frowned. "Leo, what's wrong?"
Leo tried to speak. He found tears running down his cheeks. "My God. What have I done."
Riario placed one hand on Leo's knee, Zo slipped an arm around his shoulders.
"Whatever it is, I'm sure we will fix it," Riario told him.
"Don’t we always?" Zo squeezed at his shoulder.
Leo blinked until he could see clearly. He shook his head. "I'm sorry. I was distracted. I didn't mean to interrupt the meal."
Everyone was staring at him.
"It is your birthday," Giuliano said. "The one day even I will not complain about your antics, artista."
He nodded, gave a wry smile.
"I did say we should just go out and get drunk," Zo said, releasing Leo and reaching for his glass. "You always get emotional when we're all together."
"I think it is endearing," Riario said. He squeezed Leo's knee before he, too, let him go.
"Perhaps we should have the cake now," Vanessa said.
"It's not going to explode is it?" Zo asked. "Because I'm still finding cake crumbs in unmentionable places after Andrea's birthday. I don't understand why anyone thought sticking burning things into a perfectly good cake was a good idea."
Andrea laughed. Leo's heart leapt. "The pieces that landed on me were tasty," Andrea said with a consoling tone.
"There will be no explosions," Vanessa said. She stood. "Zita, please bring the cake."
A moment later Zita came into the room bearing a ridiculously extravagant confection. Leo smiled at her as she lowered the plate to the table. She cut generous slices of cake, handing them out, then taking a seat, and a piece for herself, at Vanessa's insistence.
"It is your day off," Vanessa said and Zita nodded.
"You keep blurring the boundaries between servants and friends and you'll have the rest taking advantage," Zo warned.
"We blur the boundaries between pets and friends and allow you at the table," Riario remarked.
"Fuck you," Zo said, without menace. He took a bite of cake.
"I almost forget. From Clarice," Giuliano said, lifting a box onto the table. "She sends both her regrets and this gift to the artista, along with her apologies for taking Nico away with her. However their diplomatic mission could not wait and she has need of his skills."
"She was probably just afraid of more exploding cake," Zo said.
Leo opened the box. It was a gold astrolabe with a note that said "May the stars guide your way through the darkness. Warmest regards, Clarice Orsini."
Lorenzo. Where was Lorenzo? Leo thought he knew the answer and he didn’t dare ask for confirmation in front of Giuliano.
Andrea finished his cake and dabbed at his lips with a napkin. He stood, making his farewells. Leo dashed around the table and hugged him tight.
"My boy," Andrea said, his voice muffled against Leo's shoulder. "I will see you again soon."
Leo released him with reluctance. Vanessa was on her feet and Giuliano stuffed another chunk of cake into his mouth before he joined her. Zita fetched their cloaks. Giuliano clapped Leo on the back, Riario kissed Zita's cheek. Vanessa pressed her lips briefly to Riario's cheek before she enveloped Leo in a hug.
"Don't go," Leo said, as Vanessa moved to hug Zo. Where were they going? Should he leave? Was this his house?
"Some of us have duties tomorrow," Vanessa said. "Good night."
Leo watched them leave, Zo staying behind to pick at the last of the food scraps.
"Are you staying?" Riario asked.
"No," Zo said, pocketing a chicken wing and wiping his hands on his trousers. "I'll let you have him all to yourself tonight."
Zo grabbed Leo and held him tight for a moment. "Happy birthday you beautiful, ridiculous, genius idiot." He kissed Leo on the lips, stunning Leo. Then he left too and Leo and Riario were alone. Leo touched his lips, dazed. This was his house. His and Riario's?
Riario refilled their glasses. "What is it?"
"I'm fine," Leo lied. "Just overwhelmed. Everyone together. Cake. Gifts."
Riario gave him a look that said he knew Leo was not telling the truth but he wasn't yet going to mention it.
"Let's play a game," Leo said with inspiration.
Riario stepped forward and wrapped one arm Leo's waist. "All right."
For a moment Leo's mind went blank. When he recovered, he stepped away, picking up his glass as an excuse for moving from Riario's grasp.
"Let's pretend I don't know anything from, er, well, ever," Leo said. "Um, how we met, for one thing."
Riario frowned. "You lost your memory again."
"This has happened before?" That might make things simpler.
Riario nodded. A shadow crossed his face. "The worst is that you don't remember our first kiss. The first time you said I love you. The first time I said it back. Although that last one in particular was under less than ideal circumstances."
He sat down, stretching out one leg. Leo pulled a chair around to sit facing him, perched on the edge of his seat.
"How did I lose my memory before?"
"Your mother," Riario said. "There was magic involved. I cannot explain it more fully."
"How did I get it back?"
Riario looked away. "It came back gradually. Fragments, moments. Once you began to remember you regained all your memories within two weeks." He gave a short laugh. "Zo claims it was his experimental drink that started it. The one we only use for starting fires now."
Leo leaned forward. "What aren't you telling me?"
Riario swallowed. "You don't remember, but you always know me too well."
"I remember some things," Leo said. It was true. He remembered Riario, and Zo, and everyone. Just not this Riario, though he was as easy to read as his own version had become.
Riario sat up, one hand falling casually to the dagger handle at his hip. Still always armed, then, and on guard. "We thought it was the only way to save you," he said. "Zo and I fought over it. In the finish, it was my hand that did the deed."
Leo didn't want to ask but he felt he had to know for sure. "You killed her." It was a flat statement. He couldn't summon up rage without knowing the circumstances. Hadn't Leo once damn near killed her himself? He couldn't feel fresh grief for a woman he'd mourned once already.
Riario nodded. "I'm sorry. We talked about it. You saw the ritual tools. You heard what she did to you, how we found you. How we tried to rescue you without bloodshed and how it was not going to be. You forgave me."
That last was almost a question. Leo reached out and put one hand on Riario's knee. "I forgive you now," he assured him. He could worry about the repercussions later.
Riario gave a sad smile. He placed one hand over Leo's. The omnipresent skull ring was gone and instead he wore a gold band with intricate curves and lines carved into the surface. Leo had seen, but not registered until now, that he wore a matching one on his own left hand.
"We're married."
That startled Riario and he laughed, sitting back in his chair once more, dislodging himself from Leo's grasp. "Oh, artista. If I could, I would. But Rome does not wish to grant spiritual blessings upon perverted unions, and you have decried monogamy even as you embrace it most of the time."
Leo frowned. He missed the warmth of Riario's hand against his own. "Most of the time?"
Riario rubbed at his face. "I am too tired and, despite Zo's efforts, too sober for this conversation. And more wine will only make me sleep sooner. Can this wait until morning?"
He had his whole new life to explore the intricacies of his situation so Leo nodded.
"What about the Book of Leaves?" he asked, the question rising up, unbidden, from the depths of his mind.
Riario's eyes narrowed. "You know that is the one thing I cannot tell you."
Leo held out his hands in surrender. "No, I don't."
Riario made a gesture that Leo took to mean exasperation directed at himself rather than Leo. "Of course. Then let me remind you of this. After the – afterwards, after the things I shall tell you when I've had some sleep, you tried to destroy the damned Book but nothing could harm it. Not even dousing it in Zo's special ale and setting it ablaze. You talked about throwing into a volcano for a while. That seemed more reasonable than your plan to invent a flying device to send it into the stars."
Leo smiled at the notion. Flight was always on his mind.
"At last you came up with a plan you found suitable. You hid the Book. You devised a puzzle only you could solve to lead to its location. You gave us each a piece of the puzzle; me, Zo, Vanessa, Nico. None of us are to combine our pieces or even discuss the puzzle unless we fear there is no other way. It had better be an apocalypse if we retrieve the Book, you told us."
Leo frowned again. "But I must know the puzzle and the solution. Usually I mean. Before I lost my memories."
Riario shook his head. "We tried to reason with you, but you are as stubborn as ten mules. There was a device, something in the Book. You created it to remove your own memory of the Book. You lost a week's worth of memories. You said it would be worth it. You destroyed the device afterwards. Or so you told me."
Leo noted the accusatory tone. "I don't think I was playing with the memory device," he said. It was the river that had done this, his tinkering with the time stream. But in this reality maybe he had been playing with the device. It sounded like something any version of himself would do.
Riario nodded. "Then your memories should return."
They weren't his memories though, they were the memories of this Leo, the Leo who lived in this timeline, this house. Leo had to hope the memories would filter through, so he gave a false smile of reassurance.
*
They shared a bed. Riario, untangling the ribbons from his hair and deftly brushing the long locks, had pointed out the guest bedrooms but Leo said following their usual routine might help him remember.
He thought it might at least help him fake remembering if it came to that.
"This is awkward," Leo said, lying in the bed, staring at the ceiling.
Riario's hand moved under the covers, squeezed Leo's fingers. "Would you like me to seduce you, artista?"
The moniker was a familiar thing and it sent a jolt through Leo. This was still his Riario, even as it was another Riario entirely. "I thought you were tired."
"I am."
"Then sleep. I'll be all right."
It was hours before Leo slept, long after Riario had drifted off. This was not what Leo had expected when he stepped into the river. It was something different, something he'd never dared imagine. Andrea was alive, and Giuliano was alive and Vanessa was happy, Zita was alive, Nico was favoured by Clarice, Zo was – well, Zo was still Zo as far as Leo could work out.
Riario, though. Riario was alive and whole, happy, light-hearted in a way Leo could never have expected. Riario wore Leo's ring and was in his bed, and that alone ought to have made everything worthwhile.
Except for the dreams, nightmares in which Leo's friends watched him burn at the stake for the witchcraft that had altered his timeline, horrifying dreams of watching each of them die in ways he'd seen for himself or had seen within the river as he sought to change its course.
"Sssh."
Leo blinked, realised he was awake and safe. In bed with Riario. Not a dream, that part, though it hardly felt more real. Riario pulled him close and that felt real, Riario's warmth and scent, his heartbeat beneath Leo's ear.
"It was just a dream," Riario said. "You know that. It's all right."
Leo let himself be comforted. This was his life now, he might as well enjoy it.
"Oh, my dearest one. My Leo," Riario said sleepily and where the word artista had been reassuring from his lips, this was shocking. The Riario that Leo knew never called him that. Leonardo, but never Leo.
They both slept again after that, Riario pleased when Leo spooned him. Leo needed the physical contact in truth, needed to be grounded to counteract feeling adrift.
He had stepped out of the river of time, but Leo wasn't certain of the ground beneath his feet.
*
Leo was alone when he woke. He washed his face, pulled on clean clothes, and went downstairs. Riario was sitting at the dining table, reading a book. He smiled as Leo approached.
"Good morning."
Leo grabbed a handful of grapes, chewed rapidly, and swallowed before he answered. "Morning."
Riario was giving him a look that Leo thought was disappointment. So, hazarding a guess, Leo leaned over and kissed Riario's cheek. That drew a smile and, pleased with himself, Leo took a seat.
"So," Leo said. "What is the plan for today?"
"You mean what are you supposed to be doing?" Riario tipped his head. "You are what have always been. An artist and inventor. You work on your commissions and occasionally even finish one. You fiddle with your inventions. You sketch whatever takes your fancy."
Leo nodded, took another handful of grapes. "And you?"
"I have my own duties. Sometimes advising Clarice. Overseeing those who manage our vineyards in Vinci. Yes, your old house, Leo. You turned it into a profitable business, and yes, those grapes are from our estate."
Our estate. Leo swallowed the mouthful with renewed enthusiasm. He and Riario had built a life together.
"I also dabble in accountancy and have many clients in Florence," Riario said, and Leo guessed he was being humble. If the crop failed, if they fell out of favour with Clarice, if Leo didn't manage to complete a work and was short of money, it would be Riario's financial endeavours that kept them afloat. Death and taxes were certainties, undertaking, banking and accountancy were then secure employment.
Leo poured himself some water. "Lorenzo is dead, isn't he?" All the talk of Clarice and never once was Lorenzo mentioned.
Riario nodded, his expression unreadable.
"Did you kill him?"
Riario shook his head.
"Did I?"
"Not precisely."
"What does that mean?"
Riario looked down at the table. "It was during the battle. When you released the power of the Book of Leaves…he was mad anyway, Leo, driven insane by the Book and threatening to destroy the world itself."
Leo narrowed his eyes. He was having to take Riario's word for things and that was still unfamiliar territory. He could ask Zo for confirmation later; Zo seemed unchanged, Zo would tell him the truth.
"What of your cousin Lucrezia?" Leo asked, and held his breath.
"She and her husband live quite happily near Naples," Riario said. "With my cousin Amelia, and Lucrezia's two sons."
Leo felt a brief moment of regret which was replaced with thoughts of happiness for the young women who had been spared being used as pawns by Riario's father.
"Your father?"
Riario moistened his lips. "Dead. You really don't remember anything?"
"No. Your uncle too?"
"Yes."
Leo wondered how the loss of both men who had vied to be pope had impacted, would impact, the world. But what was done was done.
"You said we'd talk about monogamy," Leo said, thinking of the ribbons both Zo and Riario had been wearing, the kiss goodnight.
Riario nodded. "I did. I hoped you might recall by now and spare me this conversation."
"Sorry."
Riario considered for a moment, gathering his thoughts. "I was with Zita," he said at last. "And you had Zo and others beside. And then we had each other. I didn't think you could commit to me alone. Zo told me as such. So we agreed, we could each have one other lover. I had Zita, and you had Zo."
Leo's mouth fell open. He and Zo had danced around their attraction for years. He'd tried to make them closer in this version of events, tried to ensure he kept Zo safe and treated him better, but he had not expected this.
"As time went on however, I found I preferred you to Zita. That I prefer men, I think, though it took time for me to accept that. She found herself a man who is, shall we say, more within her social class. He works at the palace too, the chief cook. We are still friends, but Zita and I are no longer lovers." Riario paused, swallowed. Leo closed his eyes. Shit, Riario was faithful and of course Leo was still screwing around like a fucking dog.
After a moment, Riario said, "You and Zo. It is a… safety net? You no longer fuck him, but as per our agreement you can if you wish. You have still slept alongside him many times, you are very close with him. You kiss him and you know you could fuck him and so you do not feel trapped. And so you do not stray." He added, with a wry smile, "To the best of my knowledge."
Leo reached out and took Riario's hand. "You wear my ring."
"Maybe you wear mine," Riario teased, light-hearted once more in contrast to the previous moment of intensity. He squeezed at Leo's fingers.
Leo gave a soft laugh. "I think I designed these."
"Of course."
"What I meant is that you chose to be with me. Even if I couldn't commit solely to you. I – " Leo shook his head, unable to steady his thoughts, let alone articulate them.
"But you have," Riario reminded him. "You and Zo will always be more than friends but you are no longer lovers. Zo and I have come to an understanding. We are happy, Leo. I love you and I want only you."
Leo wanted to say the words back but they caught in his throat. He would not lie and right now to tell this man that he loved him would not be the truth. This was Riario, but not Leo's Riario any more than he was this Riario's Leo. He rubbed at his eyes with his free hand, overwhelmed by it all.
Riario released his hold on Leo. "I have work to do," he said with a hint of an apology in his tone. "Why don't you go and explore your workshop? Perhaps something there will jog your memory."
*
Nothing did stir Leo's memories and why should it? This portrait, half-finished, was of someone he had never met. This invention? Even he could barely guess was it was supposed to be. Presumably the real Leo had been inspired to create it, but this Leo had not.
He toyed with the metalwork, replaced a damaged gear. He swept the floor of the workshop. He took up a sheet of paper and began to write the story of his life, the one he knew he had lived through. To his horror, details were already beginning to fade. Things he should never have been able to forget were hazy.
What if he lost all his memories of that life and yet never gained the ones that belonged to this timeline? Leo would be utterly adrift. In desperation he began writing down the actions he had carried out to alter history to his liking. He could not, must not forget them.
Hours later, mentally exhausted, he wandered back into the house. It was afternoon and Riario was pouring a glass of wine. Leo moved to hold him, wanting, needing, some physical comfort. One arm wrapped around Riario's back, the other moved higher. His palm found the nape of Riario's neck and his fingers closed so the tips encroached on Riario's throat and Riario froze.
Realising his mistake, Leo let go of him. "Sorry," he said, while Riario fought panic. Leo wanted to hold him again but he didn't want to make things worse.
"You can't do that," Riario said, voice shaky. He took a sip of wine, put the glass aside. He was calmer when he said, "You didn't know, but you must not hold me that way."
Leo nodded. "I'm sorry," he said again. "Riario –"
That too was a mistake. Riario looked as if he'd been slapped.
"Girolamo," Leo said, trying it out, liking the way it felt on his tongue. But it was too late, he'd wounded his lover.
Riario turned away. Leo let him have a moment.
"This is difficult," Riario said at last, glancing over his shoulder. "We have been through this and I am not sure I have the strength to do it again. To tell you all of my secrets and pray each time that you do not turn on me when you know who I really am."
Leo shook his head. "I know."
"I don't think you do. You don't remember," Riario said, the bitterness in his tone like a knife. "You don't know what I like, what I need, what I cannot let you do. We have negotiated our lives, our relationship. We have explored our boundaries, our – our sexual preferences. Our deepest fantasies and darkest desires."
Leo let out a sigh. "I'm sorry," he said, and it wasn't enough but what else was there? A thought occurred. "I can fix this."
Riario turned to face him then, a weary smile creasing his features. "Does it involve goats?"
"Goats?"
Riario dismissed the thought. "How are you going to fix this, my darling artista?"
Leo's fingers danced in the air. Confession time. "I didn't use the memory erasing device," he said. "I came here by altering the river of time itself."
He spoke in metaphor, tried to explain it to Riario. Told of the changes he'd made, how he'd steered the course of the waters to this, his preferred version of events.
"You believe me?" Leo asked, pausing for breath.
Riario stared at him. "You once said 'This is perfection, or as close we can ever have on Earth'," he told Leo. "Of course you would believe only you could be the architect of such perfection, such happiness as we have found."
Leo frowned. "Is that a yes? Anyway, the point is, I did it, I made those choices but I made one mistake. I kept myself separate from events so I could see the overall picture and when I stepped out it was here. And it's perfect except for one thing. I have taken the place of the Leo who was not separate. That's why I don't have my memories, Girolamo. I was not present for those events. And worse, I'm beginning to forget my own past, the previous life I did live."
Riario blinked a few times. "And if I believe you, then what?"
"Then you will understand," Leo said, "that I can fix this by going back and doing it over again, but taking each step at a time. Now I know what has to happen to achieve this goal, I don't need an overview. I can live through that history, nudging it into life. I will become your Leo."
Riario shook his head. "Leo, no. If what you say is true, then you must quit while you are ahead. You had all your memories before you altered time itself, you won't have them if you do it over. You will step back into your own past and try to recreate this world and you could destroy it! You told me that a single word could change the course of history. That I do believe. Think, Leo! What if you try to master time and forget to speak a word, or say the wrong one at the wrong time?"
"I won't!"
"You would risk our happiness?" Riario was torn between rage and grief, eyes bright. "You would destroy everything we have worked for?"
"No! But I can't live this way! I am not your Leo," Leo yelled.
Riario looked away and then he launched himself at Leo. Before Leo could react and defend himself he realised Riario was not attacking him. Riario's hands were clasping Leo's cheeks and he was kissing Leo, long and hard.
Leo relaxed into the kiss, savouring it, wrapping his arms around Riario's back, the dark shirt smooth beneath his fingers, the soft hair caressing Leo's knuckles
"Tell me that means nothing," Riario breathed as he drew back.
"It was wonderful," Leo said. "But it changes nothing. You said it yourself, I can't remember our first kiss. Do you want that to be my first kiss with you? While we're fighting?"
Riario gave a laugh that was practically a sob and pulled away. "We were fighting the first time too," he said. "Leo, please. I will explain it to you. It will be difficult, it will be painful, but I will do it. I will relive our every moment together and tell it to you, I will reveal my secrets and my desires, no matter how dark or terrible or embarrassing. I will do these things for you, for us."
Leo wished it was enough. "Who are we but our memories? What is a relationship except a series of shared experiences? Do you think second hand memories can replace those things?"
"They can suffice," Riario yelled, "until we can make new memories together! Jesus Fucking Christ, Leo! Don't you love me? You swore to me, Leo, you promised never to use the Book again unless it was to save the world. You said you would never use your powers to again change our fates, to alter history, that you had tampered enough."
Tampered enough? That gave Leo a glimmer of hope. Perhaps there was an outside chance this world's Leo did – could – remember what he'd done. Where the Book of Leaves was involved anything was possible, the trail of creative destruction it could conjure leaving its own powerful wake in the river of time. If he could remember something, anything, of this life he had created for himself and his loved ones, Leo would be satisfied.
Riario had fallen silent. Moved to blasphemy and almost to tears, he was lost now and Leo didn't know what to say that would comfort him. Save the one thing he could not, a promise he did not trust himself to keep. Riario wanted him to promise to leave well enough alone and Leo couldn't do that.
"I love you," Leo said because he found it was true after all, it felt true in every bone and sinew of his body. "But that's why you deserve better and why I have to go back and be the man you love."
Riario's hand clutched the hilt of his dagger. For one moment Leo thought he might have to fight Riario. Then Riario spat, "Fuck you, Leo," and left the house, slamming the door behind him.
Leo rubbed at his face. That could have gone better. Despite his exhaustion, Leo went back to work, ensuring he had the details right, trying to convince himself that he could once again step into the river, that he could do this, that he had to.
*
"Leo!"
Leo looked up from his papers to see Zo, arms folded, glowering in his direction.
"I'm in the middle of something."
"No, Leo. Stop what you are doing and talk to me." Zo took a step forward. "I mean it."
Leo pushed his chair away from the desk, placed his hands on his knees.
"I just came from the palace," Zo said. "And if Vanessa wasn't currently occupied by having Riario literally weeping into her lap, she'd be here with me too. Because Riario's talking about you wanting to change history, and if anyone can fuck up history and the present with it, it's you. I want to be angry, but I also know Riario can be melodramatic, especially when it involves you. So I'm going to give you the chance to explain things to me."
Leo gestured. "I don't want to change time. I like this world, this version of events."
"But?" Zo prompted.
"But," Leo said, "this is not my life. I did not live it. I do not have the memories of it. I am not the Leo you think I am, because I am not the Leo who did the things you remember. He is not me, but I can be him, if you let me."
Zo shook his head. "You're making my head spin."
"I need to go back," Leo said. "I need to step into the river of time and live this timeline through from the start. I know what to do, how to shape history. I just need to be there while it happens. I don't think I can make this any clearer."
Zo sighed. He pulled up a chair. "Leo, even if this is possible, what if you screw things up? Isn't this life everything you ever wanted?"
God, first Riario, now Zo. Didn't anyone trust him to follow through on things? Leo resolutely refused to acknowledge the pile of unfinished projects in both his timelines.
"Yes! But I keep telling you, this is not my life. I want it to be, but it's not. And I won't screw things up. I'm writing it down, everything I did to bring us to this point. My mistake was in changing them and jumping forward to the next point instead of staying to experience the changes."
Zo pointed to the papers. "You're writing it down?"
Leo handed him a sheet filled with scribbles.
"A word unsaid, a kiss bestowed, a tear shed." Zo eyed him sceptically. "This is more like poetry than a plan."
Leo shrugged. "It is an art more than a science to alter history," he said. "And each small action sets in motion a ripple that changes everything."
"Leo," Zo said. "Don't. We're happy, Leo. We're all of us happy. Don't ruin it."
Except Lorenzo was dead, who knew what the current Pope had in mind for the world, and – no. If he did this, he had to stick to the plan, create this world. To attempt any further change would be too risky.
Leo stood, moved to put one hand on Zo's shoulder. "I don't want to," he said, adding, "but if I do go back, you'll never know."
Zo shoved Leo aside, got to his feet, scrumpled up the paper and thrust it at Leo, his knuckles grazing Leo's chest.
"Fuck you, Leo," he said, voice rough with emotion, and he left without a backward glance.
Leo smoothed out the paper on the desk, recited the plan, the poem, the means by which change his fate. He had done it once, he could do it again, but this time he would experience it, live it, be the Leo who belonged to this beautiful world.
Only what if he lost his memories of this future, if they faded away? What if he forgot to hesitate here or act there? What if he did ruin everything? He thought of the deaths he'd seen happen in reality and in the various timelines as he'd shaped the flow of time.
Leo sat down, his thumb straying to caress the ring on his finger.
It was a choice he had to make. Stay or go, play it safe or risk everything. He'd never taken the safe way, the easy way before. Yet he'd never had so much to lose.
Leo sat for a long time, considering his options.
As the moon rose, he made his choice.
Author Notes: In "Back to the Future", Marty's trip to the past changes his life and he returns to a changed world with a successful family – but how can he truly fit in when none of his memories match theirs? Maybe the Fourth of July picnic he remembers fondly when he was seven didn't happen that way; perhaps his family keep talking about a vacation in New Zealand this Marty didn't experience. How isolating.
In "The Flash" Barry Allen often meddles with time. In one instance he returned to find a "villain" was now redeemed and happy to assist the team; this is largely brushed off by the show (though addressed in fanfic) but how many other events have changed dramatically or subtly? Every action creates ripples that mean Barry is missing memories of the life those around him take for granted. Cisco's own powers let him peek into the alternate timelines but it's no substitute for Barry and his team working together and experiencing the same events.
There's a lot of mysticism in Da Vinci's Demons and talk of time as a circular river. If anyone, Book of Leaves or not, can swim or sail and divert the river, it's surely Leo. And I wanted to explore the downside of time travel. The world is safe, the world is better, but how is it truly his world, his family, his life, when he is isolated from it by lacking the memories and experiences that shaped it?
Fandom: Da Vinci's Demons
Pairing/Characters: Leo/Riario, Leo & Zo (it's complicated), past Leo/Zo, past Riario/Zita, Vanessa/Giuliano, Andrea, others are mentioned
Rating: PG-13
Word Count: 5584
Prompt: For the dark bingo prompt "time travel gone wrong"
Summary: Who are we but our memories? What is a relationship except a series of shared experiences? When Leo steps into the river of time and changes its course, he finds himself into a world that is close to perfection, save for one thing; this cannot truly be his life when he did not live the experiences which made it…
Content Notes: No standard warnings apply. Zita lives. Amelia lives. Giuliano lives. Andrea lives. Mostly a fixit. But Leo's never satisfied. Time travel. Unintended consequences. Memory loss.
Also @ AO3
This was the moment Leo embraced his power. The blood on his hands triggering something deep inside him. The grief a torrent that he could only escape by stepping into the river of time.
Time is a river.
And if you know how, you can swim against the current.
And if you have the skill, you can change the water's course.
Leo didn't care how much of a bad idea this was.
It was surprisingly simple to accomplish the adjustment of history.
A word unsaid, a kiss bestowed, a tear shed. A moment's more hesitation here and a second less hesitation there. Tiny actions that disturbed the water, sent ripples across the world.
Leo stepped back out of the river and into a world that was changed.
"There you are." Vanessa took his arm, pulling him inside a house he didn't recognise. Not a ramshackle studio nor a palace but something nice, as a minor noble might possess. "We thought you had got lost."
Leo let her lead him to a chair where he took the indicated seat between Riario and Zo. For some reason Zo had tiny red ribbons wound into his hair, and, to Leo's astonishment, Riario's shoulder length hair was braided, with the same silky material woven throughout.
Across from Leo, Giuliano beamed, a glass in one had. At the head of the table sat Andrea.
Vanessa sat down next to Giuliano. With his free hand he took one of her hands and pressed a kiss to her knuckles. She smiled and then, catching sight of Leo, frowned. "Leo, what's wrong?"
Leo tried to speak. He found tears running down his cheeks. "My God. What have I done."
Riario placed one hand on Leo's knee, Zo slipped an arm around his shoulders.
"Whatever it is, I'm sure we will fix it," Riario told him.
"Don’t we always?" Zo squeezed at his shoulder.
Leo blinked until he could see clearly. He shook his head. "I'm sorry. I was distracted. I didn't mean to interrupt the meal."
Everyone was staring at him.
"It is your birthday," Giuliano said. "The one day even I will not complain about your antics, artista."
He nodded, gave a wry smile.
"I did say we should just go out and get drunk," Zo said, releasing Leo and reaching for his glass. "You always get emotional when we're all together."
"I think it is endearing," Riario said. He squeezed Leo's knee before he, too, let him go.
"Perhaps we should have the cake now," Vanessa said.
"It's not going to explode is it?" Zo asked. "Because I'm still finding cake crumbs in unmentionable places after Andrea's birthday. I don't understand why anyone thought sticking burning things into a perfectly good cake was a good idea."
Andrea laughed. Leo's heart leapt. "The pieces that landed on me were tasty," Andrea said with a consoling tone.
"There will be no explosions," Vanessa said. She stood. "Zita, please bring the cake."
A moment later Zita came into the room bearing a ridiculously extravagant confection. Leo smiled at her as she lowered the plate to the table. She cut generous slices of cake, handing them out, then taking a seat, and a piece for herself, at Vanessa's insistence.
"It is your day off," Vanessa said and Zita nodded.
"You keep blurring the boundaries between servants and friends and you'll have the rest taking advantage," Zo warned.
"We blur the boundaries between pets and friends and allow you at the table," Riario remarked.
"Fuck you," Zo said, without menace. He took a bite of cake.
"I almost forget. From Clarice," Giuliano said, lifting a box onto the table. "She sends both her regrets and this gift to the artista, along with her apologies for taking Nico away with her. However their diplomatic mission could not wait and she has need of his skills."
"She was probably just afraid of more exploding cake," Zo said.
Leo opened the box. It was a gold astrolabe with a note that said "May the stars guide your way through the darkness. Warmest regards, Clarice Orsini."
Lorenzo. Where was Lorenzo? Leo thought he knew the answer and he didn’t dare ask for confirmation in front of Giuliano.
Andrea finished his cake and dabbed at his lips with a napkin. He stood, making his farewells. Leo dashed around the table and hugged him tight.
"My boy," Andrea said, his voice muffled against Leo's shoulder. "I will see you again soon."
Leo released him with reluctance. Vanessa was on her feet and Giuliano stuffed another chunk of cake into his mouth before he joined her. Zita fetched their cloaks. Giuliano clapped Leo on the back, Riario kissed Zita's cheek. Vanessa pressed her lips briefly to Riario's cheek before she enveloped Leo in a hug.
"Don't go," Leo said, as Vanessa moved to hug Zo. Where were they going? Should he leave? Was this his house?
"Some of us have duties tomorrow," Vanessa said. "Good night."
Leo watched them leave, Zo staying behind to pick at the last of the food scraps.
"Are you staying?" Riario asked.
"No," Zo said, pocketing a chicken wing and wiping his hands on his trousers. "I'll let you have him all to yourself tonight."
Zo grabbed Leo and held him tight for a moment. "Happy birthday you beautiful, ridiculous, genius idiot." He kissed Leo on the lips, stunning Leo. Then he left too and Leo and Riario were alone. Leo touched his lips, dazed. This was his house. His and Riario's?
Riario refilled their glasses. "What is it?"
"I'm fine," Leo lied. "Just overwhelmed. Everyone together. Cake. Gifts."
Riario gave him a look that said he knew Leo was not telling the truth but he wasn't yet going to mention it.
"Let's play a game," Leo said with inspiration.
Riario stepped forward and wrapped one arm Leo's waist. "All right."
For a moment Leo's mind went blank. When he recovered, he stepped away, picking up his glass as an excuse for moving from Riario's grasp.
"Let's pretend I don't know anything from, er, well, ever," Leo said. "Um, how we met, for one thing."
Riario frowned. "You lost your memory again."
"This has happened before?" That might make things simpler.
Riario nodded. A shadow crossed his face. "The worst is that you don't remember our first kiss. The first time you said I love you. The first time I said it back. Although that last one in particular was under less than ideal circumstances."
He sat down, stretching out one leg. Leo pulled a chair around to sit facing him, perched on the edge of his seat.
"How did I lose my memory before?"
"Your mother," Riario said. "There was magic involved. I cannot explain it more fully."
"How did I get it back?"
Riario looked away. "It came back gradually. Fragments, moments. Once you began to remember you regained all your memories within two weeks." He gave a short laugh. "Zo claims it was his experimental drink that started it. The one we only use for starting fires now."
Leo leaned forward. "What aren't you telling me?"
Riario swallowed. "You don't remember, but you always know me too well."
"I remember some things," Leo said. It was true. He remembered Riario, and Zo, and everyone. Just not this Riario, though he was as easy to read as his own version had become.
Riario sat up, one hand falling casually to the dagger handle at his hip. Still always armed, then, and on guard. "We thought it was the only way to save you," he said. "Zo and I fought over it. In the finish, it was my hand that did the deed."
Leo didn't want to ask but he felt he had to know for sure. "You killed her." It was a flat statement. He couldn't summon up rage without knowing the circumstances. Hadn't Leo once damn near killed her himself? He couldn't feel fresh grief for a woman he'd mourned once already.
Riario nodded. "I'm sorry. We talked about it. You saw the ritual tools. You heard what she did to you, how we found you. How we tried to rescue you without bloodshed and how it was not going to be. You forgave me."
That last was almost a question. Leo reached out and put one hand on Riario's knee. "I forgive you now," he assured him. He could worry about the repercussions later.
Riario gave a sad smile. He placed one hand over Leo's. The omnipresent skull ring was gone and instead he wore a gold band with intricate curves and lines carved into the surface. Leo had seen, but not registered until now, that he wore a matching one on his own left hand.
"We're married."
That startled Riario and he laughed, sitting back in his chair once more, dislodging himself from Leo's grasp. "Oh, artista. If I could, I would. But Rome does not wish to grant spiritual blessings upon perverted unions, and you have decried monogamy even as you embrace it most of the time."
Leo frowned. He missed the warmth of Riario's hand against his own. "Most of the time?"
Riario rubbed at his face. "I am too tired and, despite Zo's efforts, too sober for this conversation. And more wine will only make me sleep sooner. Can this wait until morning?"
He had his whole new life to explore the intricacies of his situation so Leo nodded.
"What about the Book of Leaves?" he asked, the question rising up, unbidden, from the depths of his mind.
Riario's eyes narrowed. "You know that is the one thing I cannot tell you."
Leo held out his hands in surrender. "No, I don't."
Riario made a gesture that Leo took to mean exasperation directed at himself rather than Leo. "Of course. Then let me remind you of this. After the – afterwards, after the things I shall tell you when I've had some sleep, you tried to destroy the damned Book but nothing could harm it. Not even dousing it in Zo's special ale and setting it ablaze. You talked about throwing into a volcano for a while. That seemed more reasonable than your plan to invent a flying device to send it into the stars."
Leo smiled at the notion. Flight was always on his mind.
"At last you came up with a plan you found suitable. You hid the Book. You devised a puzzle only you could solve to lead to its location. You gave us each a piece of the puzzle; me, Zo, Vanessa, Nico. None of us are to combine our pieces or even discuss the puzzle unless we fear there is no other way. It had better be an apocalypse if we retrieve the Book, you told us."
Leo frowned again. "But I must know the puzzle and the solution. Usually I mean. Before I lost my memories."
Riario shook his head. "We tried to reason with you, but you are as stubborn as ten mules. There was a device, something in the Book. You created it to remove your own memory of the Book. You lost a week's worth of memories. You said it would be worth it. You destroyed the device afterwards. Or so you told me."
Leo noted the accusatory tone. "I don't think I was playing with the memory device," he said. It was the river that had done this, his tinkering with the time stream. But in this reality maybe he had been playing with the device. It sounded like something any version of himself would do.
Riario nodded. "Then your memories should return."
They weren't his memories though, they were the memories of this Leo, the Leo who lived in this timeline, this house. Leo had to hope the memories would filter through, so he gave a false smile of reassurance.
They shared a bed. Riario, untangling the ribbons from his hair and deftly brushing the long locks, had pointed out the guest bedrooms but Leo said following their usual routine might help him remember.
He thought it might at least help him fake remembering if it came to that.
"This is awkward," Leo said, lying in the bed, staring at the ceiling.
Riario's hand moved under the covers, squeezed Leo's fingers. "Would you like me to seduce you, artista?"
The moniker was a familiar thing and it sent a jolt through Leo. This was still his Riario, even as it was another Riario entirely. "I thought you were tired."
"I am."
"Then sleep. I'll be all right."
It was hours before Leo slept, long after Riario had drifted off. This was not what Leo had expected when he stepped into the river. It was something different, something he'd never dared imagine. Andrea was alive, and Giuliano was alive and Vanessa was happy, Zita was alive, Nico was favoured by Clarice, Zo was – well, Zo was still Zo as far as Leo could work out.
Riario, though. Riario was alive and whole, happy, light-hearted in a way Leo could never have expected. Riario wore Leo's ring and was in his bed, and that alone ought to have made everything worthwhile.
Except for the dreams, nightmares in which Leo's friends watched him burn at the stake for the witchcraft that had altered his timeline, horrifying dreams of watching each of them die in ways he'd seen for himself or had seen within the river as he sought to change its course.
"Sssh."
Leo blinked, realised he was awake and safe. In bed with Riario. Not a dream, that part, though it hardly felt more real. Riario pulled him close and that felt real, Riario's warmth and scent, his heartbeat beneath Leo's ear.
"It was just a dream," Riario said. "You know that. It's all right."
Leo let himself be comforted. This was his life now, he might as well enjoy it.
"Oh, my dearest one. My Leo," Riario said sleepily and where the word artista had been reassuring from his lips, this was shocking. The Riario that Leo knew never called him that. Leonardo, but never Leo.
They both slept again after that, Riario pleased when Leo spooned him. Leo needed the physical contact in truth, needed to be grounded to counteract feeling adrift.
He had stepped out of the river of time, but Leo wasn't certain of the ground beneath his feet.
Leo was alone when he woke. He washed his face, pulled on clean clothes, and went downstairs. Riario was sitting at the dining table, reading a book. He smiled as Leo approached.
"Good morning."
Leo grabbed a handful of grapes, chewed rapidly, and swallowed before he answered. "Morning."
Riario was giving him a look that Leo thought was disappointment. So, hazarding a guess, Leo leaned over and kissed Riario's cheek. That drew a smile and, pleased with himself, Leo took a seat.
"So," Leo said. "What is the plan for today?"
"You mean what are you supposed to be doing?" Riario tipped his head. "You are what have always been. An artist and inventor. You work on your commissions and occasionally even finish one. You fiddle with your inventions. You sketch whatever takes your fancy."
Leo nodded, took another handful of grapes. "And you?"
"I have my own duties. Sometimes advising Clarice. Overseeing those who manage our vineyards in Vinci. Yes, your old house, Leo. You turned it into a profitable business, and yes, those grapes are from our estate."
Our estate. Leo swallowed the mouthful with renewed enthusiasm. He and Riario had built a life together.
"I also dabble in accountancy and have many clients in Florence," Riario said, and Leo guessed he was being humble. If the crop failed, if they fell out of favour with Clarice, if Leo didn't manage to complete a work and was short of money, it would be Riario's financial endeavours that kept them afloat. Death and taxes were certainties, undertaking, banking and accountancy were then secure employment.
Leo poured himself some water. "Lorenzo is dead, isn't he?" All the talk of Clarice and never once was Lorenzo mentioned.
Riario nodded, his expression unreadable.
"Did you kill him?"
Riario shook his head.
"Did I?"
"Not precisely."
"What does that mean?"
Riario looked down at the table. "It was during the battle. When you released the power of the Book of Leaves…he was mad anyway, Leo, driven insane by the Book and threatening to destroy the world itself."
Leo narrowed his eyes. He was having to take Riario's word for things and that was still unfamiliar territory. He could ask Zo for confirmation later; Zo seemed unchanged, Zo would tell him the truth.
"What of your cousin Lucrezia?" Leo asked, and held his breath.
"She and her husband live quite happily near Naples," Riario said. "With my cousin Amelia, and Lucrezia's two sons."
Leo felt a brief moment of regret which was replaced with thoughts of happiness for the young women who had been spared being used as pawns by Riario's father.
"Your father?"
Riario moistened his lips. "Dead. You really don't remember anything?"
"No. Your uncle too?"
"Yes."
Leo wondered how the loss of both men who had vied to be pope had impacted, would impact, the world. But what was done was done.
"You said we'd talk about monogamy," Leo said, thinking of the ribbons both Zo and Riario had been wearing, the kiss goodnight.
Riario nodded. "I did. I hoped you might recall by now and spare me this conversation."
"Sorry."
Riario considered for a moment, gathering his thoughts. "I was with Zita," he said at last. "And you had Zo and others beside. And then we had each other. I didn't think you could commit to me alone. Zo told me as such. So we agreed, we could each have one other lover. I had Zita, and you had Zo."
Leo's mouth fell open. He and Zo had danced around their attraction for years. He'd tried to make them closer in this version of events, tried to ensure he kept Zo safe and treated him better, but he had not expected this.
"As time went on however, I found I preferred you to Zita. That I prefer men, I think, though it took time for me to accept that. She found herself a man who is, shall we say, more within her social class. He works at the palace too, the chief cook. We are still friends, but Zita and I are no longer lovers." Riario paused, swallowed. Leo closed his eyes. Shit, Riario was faithful and of course Leo was still screwing around like a fucking dog.
After a moment, Riario said, "You and Zo. It is a… safety net? You no longer fuck him, but as per our agreement you can if you wish. You have still slept alongside him many times, you are very close with him. You kiss him and you know you could fuck him and so you do not feel trapped. And so you do not stray." He added, with a wry smile, "To the best of my knowledge."
Leo reached out and took Riario's hand. "You wear my ring."
"Maybe you wear mine," Riario teased, light-hearted once more in contrast to the previous moment of intensity. He squeezed at Leo's fingers.
Leo gave a soft laugh. "I think I designed these."
"Of course."
"What I meant is that you chose to be with me. Even if I couldn't commit solely to you. I – " Leo shook his head, unable to steady his thoughts, let alone articulate them.
"But you have," Riario reminded him. "You and Zo will always be more than friends but you are no longer lovers. Zo and I have come to an understanding. We are happy, Leo. I love you and I want only you."
Leo wanted to say the words back but they caught in his throat. He would not lie and right now to tell this man that he loved him would not be the truth. This was Riario, but not Leo's Riario any more than he was this Riario's Leo. He rubbed at his eyes with his free hand, overwhelmed by it all.
Riario released his hold on Leo. "I have work to do," he said with a hint of an apology in his tone. "Why don't you go and explore your workshop? Perhaps something there will jog your memory."
Nothing did stir Leo's memories and why should it? This portrait, half-finished, was of someone he had never met. This invention? Even he could barely guess was it was supposed to be. Presumably the real Leo had been inspired to create it, but this Leo had not.
He toyed with the metalwork, replaced a damaged gear. He swept the floor of the workshop. He took up a sheet of paper and began to write the story of his life, the one he knew he had lived through. To his horror, details were already beginning to fade. Things he should never have been able to forget were hazy.
What if he lost all his memories of that life and yet never gained the ones that belonged to this timeline? Leo would be utterly adrift. In desperation he began writing down the actions he had carried out to alter history to his liking. He could not, must not forget them.
Hours later, mentally exhausted, he wandered back into the house. It was afternoon and Riario was pouring a glass of wine. Leo moved to hold him, wanting, needing, some physical comfort. One arm wrapped around Riario's back, the other moved higher. His palm found the nape of Riario's neck and his fingers closed so the tips encroached on Riario's throat and Riario froze.
Realising his mistake, Leo let go of him. "Sorry," he said, while Riario fought panic. Leo wanted to hold him again but he didn't want to make things worse.
"You can't do that," Riario said, voice shaky. He took a sip of wine, put the glass aside. He was calmer when he said, "You didn't know, but you must not hold me that way."
Leo nodded. "I'm sorry," he said again. "Riario –"
That too was a mistake. Riario looked as if he'd been slapped.
"Girolamo," Leo said, trying it out, liking the way it felt on his tongue. But it was too late, he'd wounded his lover.
Riario turned away. Leo let him have a moment.
"This is difficult," Riario said at last, glancing over his shoulder. "We have been through this and I am not sure I have the strength to do it again. To tell you all of my secrets and pray each time that you do not turn on me when you know who I really am."
Leo shook his head. "I know."
"I don't think you do. You don't remember," Riario said, the bitterness in his tone like a knife. "You don't know what I like, what I need, what I cannot let you do. We have negotiated our lives, our relationship. We have explored our boundaries, our – our sexual preferences. Our deepest fantasies and darkest desires."
Leo let out a sigh. "I'm sorry," he said, and it wasn't enough but what else was there? A thought occurred. "I can fix this."
Riario turned to face him then, a weary smile creasing his features. "Does it involve goats?"
"Goats?"
Riario dismissed the thought. "How are you going to fix this, my darling artista?"
Leo's fingers danced in the air. Confession time. "I didn't use the memory erasing device," he said. "I came here by altering the river of time itself."
He spoke in metaphor, tried to explain it to Riario. Told of the changes he'd made, how he'd steered the course of the waters to this, his preferred version of events.
"You believe me?" Leo asked, pausing for breath.
Riario stared at him. "You once said 'This is perfection, or as close we can ever have on Earth'," he told Leo. "Of course you would believe only you could be the architect of such perfection, such happiness as we have found."
Leo frowned. "Is that a yes? Anyway, the point is, I did it, I made those choices but I made one mistake. I kept myself separate from events so I could see the overall picture and when I stepped out it was here. And it's perfect except for one thing. I have taken the place of the Leo who was not separate. That's why I don't have my memories, Girolamo. I was not present for those events. And worse, I'm beginning to forget my own past, the previous life I did live."
Riario blinked a few times. "And if I believe you, then what?"
"Then you will understand," Leo said, "that I can fix this by going back and doing it over again, but taking each step at a time. Now I know what has to happen to achieve this goal, I don't need an overview. I can live through that history, nudging it into life. I will become your Leo."
Riario shook his head. "Leo, no. If what you say is true, then you must quit while you are ahead. You had all your memories before you altered time itself, you won't have them if you do it over. You will step back into your own past and try to recreate this world and you could destroy it! You told me that a single word could change the course of history. That I do believe. Think, Leo! What if you try to master time and forget to speak a word, or say the wrong one at the wrong time?"
"I won't!"
"You would risk our happiness?" Riario was torn between rage and grief, eyes bright. "You would destroy everything we have worked for?"
"No! But I can't live this way! I am not your Leo," Leo yelled.
Riario looked away and then he launched himself at Leo. Before Leo could react and defend himself he realised Riario was not attacking him. Riario's hands were clasping Leo's cheeks and he was kissing Leo, long and hard.
Leo relaxed into the kiss, savouring it, wrapping his arms around Riario's back, the dark shirt smooth beneath his fingers, the soft hair caressing Leo's knuckles
"Tell me that means nothing," Riario breathed as he drew back.
"It was wonderful," Leo said. "But it changes nothing. You said it yourself, I can't remember our first kiss. Do you want that to be my first kiss with you? While we're fighting?"
Riario gave a laugh that was practically a sob and pulled away. "We were fighting the first time too," he said. "Leo, please. I will explain it to you. It will be difficult, it will be painful, but I will do it. I will relive our every moment together and tell it to you, I will reveal my secrets and my desires, no matter how dark or terrible or embarrassing. I will do these things for you, for us."
Leo wished it was enough. "Who are we but our memories? What is a relationship except a series of shared experiences? Do you think second hand memories can replace those things?"
"They can suffice," Riario yelled, "until we can make new memories together! Jesus Fucking Christ, Leo! Don't you love me? You swore to me, Leo, you promised never to use the Book again unless it was to save the world. You said you would never use your powers to again change our fates, to alter history, that you had tampered enough."
Tampered enough? That gave Leo a glimmer of hope. Perhaps there was an outside chance this world's Leo did – could – remember what he'd done. Where the Book of Leaves was involved anything was possible, the trail of creative destruction it could conjure leaving its own powerful wake in the river of time. If he could remember something, anything, of this life he had created for himself and his loved ones, Leo would be satisfied.
Riario had fallen silent. Moved to blasphemy and almost to tears, he was lost now and Leo didn't know what to say that would comfort him. Save the one thing he could not, a promise he did not trust himself to keep. Riario wanted him to promise to leave well enough alone and Leo couldn't do that.
"I love you," Leo said because he found it was true after all, it felt true in every bone and sinew of his body. "But that's why you deserve better and why I have to go back and be the man you love."
Riario's hand clutched the hilt of his dagger. For one moment Leo thought he might have to fight Riario. Then Riario spat, "Fuck you, Leo," and left the house, slamming the door behind him.
Leo rubbed at his face. That could have gone better. Despite his exhaustion, Leo went back to work, ensuring he had the details right, trying to convince himself that he could once again step into the river, that he could do this, that he had to.
"Leo!"
Leo looked up from his papers to see Zo, arms folded, glowering in his direction.
"I'm in the middle of something."
"No, Leo. Stop what you are doing and talk to me." Zo took a step forward. "I mean it."
Leo pushed his chair away from the desk, placed his hands on his knees.
"I just came from the palace," Zo said. "And if Vanessa wasn't currently occupied by having Riario literally weeping into her lap, she'd be here with me too. Because Riario's talking about you wanting to change history, and if anyone can fuck up history and the present with it, it's you. I want to be angry, but I also know Riario can be melodramatic, especially when it involves you. So I'm going to give you the chance to explain things to me."
Leo gestured. "I don't want to change time. I like this world, this version of events."
"But?" Zo prompted.
"But," Leo said, "this is not my life. I did not live it. I do not have the memories of it. I am not the Leo you think I am, because I am not the Leo who did the things you remember. He is not me, but I can be him, if you let me."
Zo shook his head. "You're making my head spin."
"I need to go back," Leo said. "I need to step into the river of time and live this timeline through from the start. I know what to do, how to shape history. I just need to be there while it happens. I don't think I can make this any clearer."
Zo sighed. He pulled up a chair. "Leo, even if this is possible, what if you screw things up? Isn't this life everything you ever wanted?"
God, first Riario, now Zo. Didn't anyone trust him to follow through on things? Leo resolutely refused to acknowledge the pile of unfinished projects in both his timelines.
"Yes! But I keep telling you, this is not my life. I want it to be, but it's not. And I won't screw things up. I'm writing it down, everything I did to bring us to this point. My mistake was in changing them and jumping forward to the next point instead of staying to experience the changes."
Zo pointed to the papers. "You're writing it down?"
Leo handed him a sheet filled with scribbles.
"A word unsaid, a kiss bestowed, a tear shed." Zo eyed him sceptically. "This is more like poetry than a plan."
Leo shrugged. "It is an art more than a science to alter history," he said. "And each small action sets in motion a ripple that changes everything."
"Leo," Zo said. "Don't. We're happy, Leo. We're all of us happy. Don't ruin it."
Except Lorenzo was dead, who knew what the current Pope had in mind for the world, and – no. If he did this, he had to stick to the plan, create this world. To attempt any further change would be too risky.
Leo stood, moved to put one hand on Zo's shoulder. "I don't want to," he said, adding, "but if I do go back, you'll never know."
Zo shoved Leo aside, got to his feet, scrumpled up the paper and thrust it at Leo, his knuckles grazing Leo's chest.
"Fuck you, Leo," he said, voice rough with emotion, and he left without a backward glance.
Leo smoothed out the paper on the desk, recited the plan, the poem, the means by which change his fate. He had done it once, he could do it again, but this time he would experience it, live it, be the Leo who belonged to this beautiful world.
Only what if he lost his memories of this future, if they faded away? What if he forgot to hesitate here or act there? What if he did ruin everything? He thought of the deaths he'd seen happen in reality and in the various timelines as he'd shaped the flow of time.
Leo sat down, his thumb straying to caress the ring on his finger.
It was a choice he had to make. Stay or go, play it safe or risk everything. He'd never taken the safe way, the easy way before. Yet he'd never had so much to lose.
Leo sat for a long time, considering his options.
As the moon rose, he made his choice.
Author Notes: In "Back to the Future", Marty's trip to the past changes his life and he returns to a changed world with a successful family – but how can he truly fit in when none of his memories match theirs? Maybe the Fourth of July picnic he remembers fondly when he was seven didn't happen that way; perhaps his family keep talking about a vacation in New Zealand this Marty didn't experience. How isolating.
In "The Flash" Barry Allen often meddles with time. In one instance he returned to find a "villain" was now redeemed and happy to assist the team; this is largely brushed off by the show (though addressed in fanfic) but how many other events have changed dramatically or subtly? Every action creates ripples that mean Barry is missing memories of the life those around him take for granted. Cisco's own powers let him peek into the alternate timelines but it's no substitute for Barry and his team working together and experiencing the same events.
There's a lot of mysticism in Da Vinci's Demons and talk of time as a circular river. If anyone, Book of Leaves or not, can swim or sail and divert the river, it's surely Leo. And I wanted to explore the downside of time travel. The world is safe, the world is better, but how is it truly his world, his family, his life, when he is isolated from it by lacking the memories and experiences that shaped it?
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Date: 2016-08-05 08:03 pm (UTC)This makes my day. Thank you! :)))