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meridian_roseDay three - Romance and relationships
I Keep Saying This Is The Last Post "This is a post about ace erasure and about the way in which platonic relationships are marginalized." Includes such quotable moments as
Recommended reading.
My Shepard is Asexual, and That's Okay
Using the Mass Effect game to talk about how sex and romance impacts games like it and Dragon Age but also lays out the basics of how the author experiences asexuality and romantic attraction ("like a hands-off Jack Harkness"):
All of which makes me feel:
And I've never even played Mass Effect!
The term zucchini is sometimes used to describe a non-sexual life partner and this article discusses the word a little My Thoughts on the Word “Zucchini”;
"Half the fun of “zucchini” as terminology (and “squash,” and other puns) is that it’s totally silly. It doesn’t take itself seriously. It’s slangy and fun and absurd and colloquial. It makes no sense when you think about it. And that works, because there actually aren’t words in the English language that do make sense when you think about them for the kinds of relationships we’re discussing–everything either gets subsumed under the devaluation that gets attached to words like “friend” or has been taken to refer to romantic relationships. “Zucchini” isn’t entirely meant to take itself seriously in the first place."
However the author points out that serious or silly, "words like “zucchini” and “squash” have given me vocabulary to talk about my dreams and my hopes and my current relationships so much more effectively than I could otherwise" and that "words shape our thoughts. If no word exists in a language to describe a thing, it’s almost impossible to discuss that concept, at least not without convoluted circumlocutions. Lack of words becomes a way to silence minority viewpoints."
In the UK we call those vegetables courgettes, so zucchini has practically zero connotations, and it's such a fun word to use :D
Even when we look at fiction, we have the term "bromance" for heterosexual men with close relationships, including those with slash subtext. But we don't have recognised terms for this between women or a man and a woman. "Zucchini" might be a bit too much for some of these relationships but it might work for others. I've also seen it used for Sherlock/Watson where the BBC version seems (despite Moffat's objections) to suggest an asexual Sherlock and a heterosexual Watson living as a couple in all senses of the word barring sex.
I Keep Saying This Is The Last Post "This is a post about ace erasure and about the way in which platonic relationships are marginalized." Includes such quotable moments as
'We’re not dating, we’re just friends!' Just friends. As if a nonromantic, nonsexual relationship can’t be as emotionally intimate and fulfilling and sustaining as a romantic/sexual one can.
Recommended reading.
My Shepard is Asexual, and That's Okay
Using the Mass Effect game to talk about how sex and romance impacts games like it and Dragon Age but also lays out the basics of how the author experiences asexuality and romantic attraction ("like a hands-off Jack Harkness"):
1. I don't believe you have to have sex with someone just because you're totally and utterly in love with them.
2. I don't believe intimacy needs to involve sex.
3. In fact, I don't believe in having sex at all.
4. There is tremendous social pressure against making the previous statements.
All of which makes me feel:
And I've never even played Mass Effect!
The term zucchini is sometimes used to describe a non-sexual life partner and this article discusses the word a little My Thoughts on the Word “Zucchini”;
"Half the fun of “zucchini” as terminology (and “squash,” and other puns) is that it’s totally silly. It doesn’t take itself seriously. It’s slangy and fun and absurd and colloquial. It makes no sense when you think about it. And that works, because there actually aren’t words in the English language that do make sense when you think about them for the kinds of relationships we’re discussing–everything either gets subsumed under the devaluation that gets attached to words like “friend” or has been taken to refer to romantic relationships. “Zucchini” isn’t entirely meant to take itself seriously in the first place."
However the author points out that serious or silly, "words like “zucchini” and “squash” have given me vocabulary to talk about my dreams and my hopes and my current relationships so much more effectively than I could otherwise" and that "words shape our thoughts. If no word exists in a language to describe a thing, it’s almost impossible to discuss that concept, at least not without convoluted circumlocutions. Lack of words becomes a way to silence minority viewpoints."
In the UK we call those vegetables courgettes, so zucchini has practically zero connotations, and it's such a fun word to use :D
Even when we look at fiction, we have the term "bromance" for heterosexual men with close relationships, including those with slash subtext. But we don't have recognised terms for this between women or a man and a woman. "Zucchini" might be a bit too much for some of these relationships but it might work for others. I've also seen it used for Sherlock/Watson where the BBC version seems (despite Moffat's objections) to suggest an asexual Sherlock and a heterosexual Watson living as a couple in all senses of the word barring sex.
Zucchini
Date: 2013-10-25 08:25 pm (UTC)Re: Zucchini
Date: 2013-10-25 09:51 pm (UTC)If it were meant as some sort of douchebag "you're emotionally numb" insult it wouldn't have originated in and be used extensively by the asexual community as the quoted article clearly states is the case.
And if you're thinking asexuality is emotionally stunted rather just lacking sexual attraction I'm done trying to explain because clearly not a single post I've made on this subject has had any impact at all.
And I'm too stressed and tired to deal any more politely with this.
no subject
Date: 2013-10-23 10:44 am (UTC)Love your post. The marginalisation of any relationhip that is close but does not have a sexual element to it is great, and so is, unfortunately for us, the social pressure on having sex (or a sexual relationship).
There's hardly a day that passes without an article appearing in the news that speaks about sex, and how beneficial it is both for you and for the relationship (it may be beneficial for others, I'm indifferent asexual, I couldn't care less, and I have seen many a relationship that was sick and bad because of sex). I'm not out openly here, because the society considers not having sex a symptom of being either physically sick, or sick in your head.
no subject
Date: 2013-10-23 11:01 am (UTC)"Hardly a day that passes" is my experience and pretty much what prompted an angry post from me earlier this month, wherein I promised to tackle this by diverting my rage into writing fic about varying attitudes to sex and relationships.
I'm sorry you don't feel able to be open about your orientation. I feel comfortable ticking the asexual or other box on application forms now, and it's a small but important thing to be able to be recognised. I wish society globally wasn't so messed up over sexuality but we've such a long way to go :(
Tomorrow's post has articles/links about the pervasiveness of sex as "a natural part of life" and a way of showing maturity and why that's a dangerous and harmful mindset.
no subject
Date: 2013-10-23 12:20 pm (UTC)My problem with coming out - I hope to write on it expensively on my own journal later this week, when I have time to think and write - is that I publish in the news regularly, and appear on tha radio and the TV about every two weeks. Thus, if I "come out", it's going to be public (no matter what my choice will be). Now I know this would help a lot of people like me, who constantly hear asexualy must be shy people with zero social skills and no success in life - but I am not ready for the public reaction just yet.
Yet I more and more feel the urge to be brave, when I know I can actually accomplish something by this simple act of coming out. So far, only my mum and my best friend know, though others might suspect.
no subject
Date: 2013-10-25 12:23 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2013-10-24 07:33 pm (UTC)I mean, I'm not asexual, I actually identify as pansexual but simplify it to bisexual for most ppl because close enough and no one knows what pansexual is - but I still have this issue with there are JUST. NOT. WORDS.
In my case, and this was actually pretty recent in my life, I developed a friendship with a person that is, emotionally, way too intense to but 'just friendship' in my mind. And it was actually really confusing to me, because I am used to intense emotional feelings always being attached to a component of sexual attraction on some level, if I'm not biologically related to the person. But with this particular relationship, I was like WOW SO I LOVE YOU LIKE I LOVE MY HUSBAND. BUT. I DON'T WANT TO HAVE SEX WITH YOU ????!!1??!
And so I wound up doing research, and I found this term that was in use back in the 1800-early 1900s, when rich women still paid 'companions' or formed intense friendships with other women where they pretty much lived together forever, and wrote each other love notes and stuff, but as far as historians are aware, they weren't actually lovers, and the term is 'romantic friendship.' So I was all. OH OKAY THEN. And suddenly much less confused because I had a thing to call it now? But 'we have a romantic friendship' is kind of a mouthful and it just makes people assume I mean we're fuckbuddies, so we just decided to be sisters. So. SISTER NAO.
I'm not sure where I'm going with this anymore. Anyway, the point is, YES. GIVE US MORE WORDS.
no subject
Date: 2013-10-25 12:31 pm (UTC)Maybe it's because I'm an outsider or because I love words and analysing things and talking about them, and entertaining ideas about "what if" and "why" but I find new concepts interesting :)
Yes, I can see why "romantic friendship" in our current world gets equated with "fuckbuddies" even though they're almost the opposite of each other! (Assuming a fuck buddy is mostly/solely for sex rather than actual friendship). This is exactly why we need moar words, although I love that you found "sister" worked perfectly as a concept for you :D